Wondering amidst my evening tea and crackers what am I missing in my life? Or is it just a wave of my near madness or of me losing the edge of what they call Living to the fullest?
And I wonder if all soon -become -jobless-housewives muse the similiar.Hopelessness, the fear of losing the edge, loneliness because in the world revolving more quickly (figuratively) on its hysteria of exploring and knowing infinity and its bounds, are the varied facets of those who slow down a bit or fail to revolve as quickly as their neighbourhood or the now so familiar social friends, of whom we know where they went,what they wore ‘where’ and how happy they ‘seemed’.
Yes, I quote seemed because as true happiness knows no bounds,theirs is known only to them whose happy pictures and status we like every now and then on our social sites and keep envying, yes truly envying them and end up comparing our lives to them or play with our already creative imagination to one day live a life like them. Why couldn’t god be more merciful and perhapy loving towards us to give us a life like the ones we envy? Why dont we infact muse that god has showered his endless blessings upon us and help us recuperate in all hard times always showing us the true light at the end of the tunnel.
It is why I sit here today ,though filled with ingratitude and at war with my inner peace, and musing over my incapabilities and helplessness over a cup of healthy tea and some delicious crackers, when I should truly blame it on my former boss’ poor sightedness for not realising the extent of my inputs for the betterment of his firm and thanking him to give a reprieve to spend infinite and joyfilled time with my family, and gathering enough stability for the next job in question, ofcourse until I decide to work again.
Still delving into the hope of God’s mercy and his unconditional love and blaming my boss for his poor quotient of acknowledging skills of his extremely efficient employees, cannot help revive my mood, and I pour my inertia over the fear of becoming non- existent without creating a deed to enlist me in the famous personas of the world or moreover of my little birthtown. Or of probably imagining myself to have been born of noble birth into the families of Page 3 enlisters or nonetheless into those famous in my little town, so as to have hit the facebook -several-likes-of -the-day-pictures of the known socialites.
And I end up blaiming all-in-the line, the creator of the universe- the one who created infinite bounds, my creators- parents who by the creator were bestowed the joy of birthing me, my darling and hardworking husband, to whom by the creator, according to our scriptures, been entrusted with the responsibility of putting up with and taking care of all the needs of a poor, helpless, married,jobless Me. Still secrectly asking my guardian angel , now not the Almighty,as I have just blamed him ,to become my rescuer to pave me a path to brighten my future.